How to Win at Marriage Without Keeping Score

I just got out of a session with a couple, and I’ve got to say, it was one of those moments that brings me back to the essence of why I do this.

They’ve been entrenched in particular patterns for a long time. One of them happens to be a very black and white thinker, someone who thinks in terms of right and wrong, or winning and losing. The other, feeling judged, more often than not, counters right back and digs in just as fiercely.

You can imagine how quickly conversations morphed into battles.

But today, something shifted.

There’s a saying that life is hard, and you get to choose your hard. Would you rather choose the hard of always needing to be right, or the hard of learning to communicate with care and support for your spouse?

For one partner, they thought, “I am conveying precisely what I wanted to say. This is the bottom line. Why do I need to explain further?”

It unlocked something central to the problem!

Now the focus has flipped! The conversation was no longer about simply pushing a message across the table; it was also concerned about how the message was being received by the other.

And the growth was mutual. The other partner did not become defensive as anticipated but started providing useful feedback.

Why “Being Right” Doesn’t Work

This is something I see all the time. I see couples who come for help carrying years of frustration, hoping that someone, anywhere, will finally hear their side of the story. Don’t get me wrong, being heard is essential, but when the focus is on being right, a few things happen.

Listening is kept to a minimum.
Defending becomes more important than connecting.
Opportunities to grow together are missed.

The Courage of Openness

What’s amazing is that when they chose to let go of being right, it didn't mean giving up each of their values or silencing their voices. Instead, it meant having the courage to stay open, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Sometimes we need to just sit with the discomfort!

It takes strength to say, “Help me understand your experience,” especially when you don’t fully agree. It takes humility to ask, “Am I making sense to you? How can I say this so you really understand my heart?”

That kind of openness is what turns couples' work into couples' transformation.

Practical Ways to Let Go of Being Right

If you want to move away from “proving your point” to “building connection,” below are a few practices you and your spouse can try today:

Check for understanding. After you share your perspective, ask your spouse, “Does that make sense to you?” This isn’t a quiz! It’s a way to see if your words landed the way you intended. I always recommend reflecting back what you heard your partner say to be sure there is understanding.
Use “can you help me” language. Instead of correcting, try saying, “Please help me understand what you mean,” or “Can you help me see it from your point of view.” It softens the approach and invites curiosity.
Pause before defending. The next time you feel yourself wanting to prove your point, pause and ask yourself, “What matters more right now, connection or rightness?”
Reframe disagreement. Shift from opposite sides of the issue to “What can I learn from my partner's perspective?” You are simply two people looking at the same issue from different angles. This mindset makes space for teamwork instead of rivalry.
Offer feedback gently. If your spouse says something that doesn’t land well with you, instead of reacting with frustration, try, “I think I’d understand better if you rephrased that…” That feedback disrupts unhealthy patterns and builds clarity instead of conflict.

The Invitation

If you and your spouse find yourselves getting stuck in the “right vs. wrong” loop, maybe it’s time to try something different. Instead of aiming to win, aim to understand. Instead of keeping score, look for common ground.

Because the truth is, successful marriages aren’t built on proving your side. They’re built on listening, softening, and choosing connection over being right.