The Power of Forgiveness in Marriage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Healing Past Hurts

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to get right in marriage. Let’s face it—when we’re hurt, anger and resentment feel justified. We can latch onto those feelings, believing they somehow protect us. But as I shared in a recent talk, forgiveness isn’t just about letting go for the other person’s sake; it’s about freeing yourself and nurturing your relationship with God. Forgiveness releases the emotional hold that pain has on you and allows grace to take its place.

Why Forgiveness is Vital

Scripture calls us to “forgive as Christ forgave us” (Ephesians 4:32), which is a tall order! Forgiveness is an ongoing decision, especially in marriage, where you may need to forgive the same offense more than once because memories and emotions resurface. Forgiveness helps you move out of the cycle of anger and resentment and frees you from being trapped in the injury. Studies back this up: research shows that forgiving others reduces stress, boosts emotional health, and even strengthens the immune system, while holding onto grudges can lead to higher blood pressure and increased anxiety.

Forgiveness vs. Healing

It’s important to understand that forgiveness and healing aren’t the same. Forgiving someone doesn’t automatically take away the pain or erase trauma. Forgiveness is the choice to release the person who hurt you; healing is the process of working through the emotional impact. It’s okay if forgiveness doesn’t instantly make everything feel better—true healing takes time, and rushing forgiveness can sometimes make things worse. Ask yourself, “What needs or boundaries have I neglected by rushing the process?”

Steps to Begin the Forgiveness Process

Forgiveness is challenging, but here’s how you can begin moving toward it in a healthy, intentional way:

1. Recognize Triggers: Even after forgiveness, certain moments or words may bring back the hurt. Acknowledge those triggers and decide to forgive again if needed. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.”
2. Practice Empathy: Empathy doesn’t mean excusing what happened, but it involves seeing the offender’s humanity. Consider what might have motivated their actions. This doesn’t make their behavior acceptable but can help soften your heart’s barriers to forgiveness.
3. Commit to Forgive and Let Go: Write down your commitment to forgive. When anger resurfaces, remind yourself of this commitment. It’s about choosing peace and resilience over bitterness.

The REACH Model for Forgiveness

One powerful approach to forgiveness is the REACH model, developed by Dr. Everett Worthington. It’s a structured, scientifically-backed method to help you work through forgiveness:

• R: Recall the hurt. Face what happened without minimizing it.
• E: Empathize with the offender. See them as flawed, not purely malicious.
• A: Offer an Altruistic Gift. Think of times when you needed forgiveness and were given grace.
• C: Commit to forgiving. Make a personal declaration to let go.
• H: Hold onto forgiveness. Recognize that forgiveness is an ongoing journey, especially when past wounds are triggered.

Practical Steps for Trauma Healing

For those who’ve experienced deep hurt, healing from trauma is just as essential as forgiveness. Trauma changes how we process emotions and react. Here are a few steps to help in healing:

1. Acknowledge the Trauma: Don’t minimize your pain. Acknowledging it is the first step toward healing.
2. Seek Support: Healing isn’t something you have to do alone. Consider therapeutic options like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Somatic Experiencing, or Internal Family Systems (IFS). Professional support is imperative when it comes to treating trauma.
3. Build a Support System: Lean on trusted friends, family, or a support group. Healing is more manageable with others by your side.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

Remember, forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Reconciliation depends on the safety and health of the relationship, and both parties must work together. God calls us to forgive, but He doesn’t command us to reconcile with everyone. As Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Sometimes, reconciliation is safe and healthy; other times, it’s wiser to set boundaries.

Forgiveness is a journey, not a one-time decision. It’s a process that requires patience, grace, and, above all, God’s help. Releasing resentment allows you to walk in freedom and opens the door to healing in both your marriage and your relationship with God.